Mommy Needs Jesus

When Faith Feels Heavy

Am I closed-minded?

Is this what I have simply been taught since birth, or is it actually the truth?

And if it is the truth, why does something that is supposed to be a gift feel so heavy?

Lately, I have found myself questioning. Wrestling.

I know feelings are not facts. But what facts should I be holding onto when my understanding of faith has been shaped by so many voices over the years?

The Lord called me from such a young age. I came to a saving knowledge of Him when I was five years old.

From there, my faith journey moved through a variety of church traditions. Baptist. Non-denominational. Pentecostal. Assembly of God. So many different trains of thought.

Yet somehow they all seemed to lead back to the same station.

Come as a sinner.
Be saved by grace through faith.

But somewhere along the way, something shifts.

Now perform.

Be on mission. Tell others. Live it out. Prove that your faith is real.

I heard many different voices along the way, but this part often sounded the same.

If you were truly saved, your life should look dramatically different.

So what happens when it doesn’t? When the same sin keeps pulling you back in?

When you know the right thing, want the right thing, pray about the right thing, and still find yourself back in the same place again?

When you promise God you will do better next time, and then find yourself right back where you started.

It creates a cycle that many of us know well.

Mess up.
Feel guilty.
Shame follows close behind.
Try harder.
Put in more effort.
Eventually get exhausted.
Start avoiding the fight or numbing the frustration for a while.
Then the cycle begins again.

What happens when the race of faith starts to feel more like pressure than grace?

And eventually the question begins to creep in.

If salvation really comes by grace, why does it feel like I keep failing at it?

Grace is supposed to mean that what Jesus did was enough, even on the days when I am clearly not.

Why does following Jesus feel like I am constantly falling short?

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15)

The thought that often follows is the hardest one to say out loud.

Maybe if I were truly saved, I wouldn’t still struggle like this.

Maybe real Christians do better than this.

Maybe they grow past these patterns and move on.

Maybe the problem is me.

And before long, that thought turns into shame.

It is hard to share your faith when it feels like you are trying to sell something you are still trying to buy yourself.

And yet, if I am honest, the strongest thing I feel in the middle of all of this is not rejection.

It is longing.

Longing for something simpler.

Longing for the version of the gospel that actually feels like a gift.

Longing for Jesus Himself.

Maybe that longing is where faith begins again.

Because when I slow down and think about it honestly, I cannot deny the ways I have experienced God throughout my life.

He has been too real.

Too present.

Too faithful in too many moments for me to pretend that none of it mattered.

And yet the fear still lingers.

What if He is disappointed in me?

What if I should be doing better by now?

But maybe the real question is whether His grace was meant to carry me further than I thought.

I am still learning to believe that the grace that saved me is the same grace I need every day.

That even in the middle of the cycle, I still belong to Him.

Maybe freedom does not come from finally getting it right.

Maybe it begins by trusting that Jesus has not given up on me.

And that is what makes it a gift after all.

Have you felt this too?

The next step could be not trying harder, but fixing your eyes on Jesus again.